Meditations on one mind

Rise up and take the power back; it's time that the fat cats had a heart attack

She seems dressed in all the rings of past fatalities
I've been meaning to say something about this, but once you recognize it as something to say, then you doom it to be of more substance.


Unless something drastic happens.

I have had no luck with the 'rents for a loan, and even if I got the money now, I have been dropped from honors so have no classes I can take.
Unless I find someone I am willing to marry, or someone offers a degreeless guy a job and a work visa, I must leave. By July 31st.
To New Hampshire if I am lucky. To Colorado if I have no other option.

I have taken the idea of desire as the root of suffering to heart. In all areas of my life, I lack desire, and so I have lacked suffering. The only thing I have desired is to stay in Canada, and have been fighting tooth and nail to stay. And I have been suffering for it..
I must either accept that I cannot stay here and perhaps it's not my place, and let the desire go, or take the only thing I desire at the moment and do everything I can to get it.

Hurra - wir leben noch
If your body matches what your eyes can do...

wow, I totally was writing this entry in my head and was surprised it wasn't on the screen.

For some reason love is more...lovely when I have no one I love.
I don't even have a mental list of potentials like I used to always.
And yet instead of being depressed by love songs or such, I find them so wonderful and romantic. I suppose it is the thought of potential, not tying a song's lyrics to the faults of a real person.
Or maybe I too have become too bored of being cynical.
I suppose that is a good result of everything that has happened the last two years. I have become really happy being single. I don't NEED to be with anyone in order to be happy. Which also means I will be happier with the people I DO end up dating for I'm not just jumping on the first opportunity. heeheehee
I lie.
I do love people. Many. Maybe that is even better. No longer limiting love to romance.

(no subject)
Bad Scott!

Ah moral dilemmas. How life would be so much...grayer without them.


And I have no time for this Hamlet act. Act, act and let this not become a Macbeth!


1. Slept in your bed besides you?  In MY bed? I suppose that would be Melissa.

2. Saw you cry: Amanda, many moons ago.

3. Went to the movies with you?  Michelle

4. You went to the mall with?  I suppose that would go with the movie, so Michelle

5. You went to dinner with? WENT? Then either Amanda or Jenn

6. You talked on the phone? Michelle

7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? My mom?

8. Broke your heart? Melissa. Last summer.

9. Made you laugh? Michelle & Sam


1. Pierce your nose or tongue?  Nose. I'd break my teeth on one of those things in my mouth!

2. Be serious or be funny? Funny. Serious is cool and all but makes like so boring.

3. Drink whole or skim milk? Skim, even though it's like milk flavored water.

4. Die in a fire or drown? Drown. Less pain.

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Parents. Although, spending time with enemies sounds kinda fun. Exciting!


1. Simple or complicated? COMPLICATED.

2. Gay? Naw.

3. Hardcore? hahahahahaha! Only in my head.


1. Flowers or candy? Flowers. Planted. And blooming.

2. Grey or black? Black. :D

3. Color or Black and white photos? Color. More realistic.

4. Lust or love? Love followed up with and preceded by bouts of lust

5. Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise, baby!

6. M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms

8. Staying up late or waking up early? Staying up late.


1. Do you like anyone? Sure do.

2. Do they know it? I think they get the inkling.


1. Sun or moon? Moon. My love.

2. Winter or Fall? Fall.

3. Left or right? Left. This left feels right.

4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? Two best friends.

5. Sun or rain? Sun, as long as it doesn't hurt...hmm...maybe rain...BOTH!

6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? Vanilla.

7. Vodka or Jack? Jack. Although both sound pretty bad ATM.


1. What time is it? 5:42 PM

2. Name: Scott Edward Mehlhop

3. Nickname(s): N/A?

4. Where were you born? Colorado Springs, Colorado

5. What is your birthdate? June 7th 1986

6. What do you want? To be happy. XD

7. Where do you want to live? Canada.

8. How many kids do you want? 1

9. What would you want to name a girl? Violet

10. What would you want to name a boy? Dirk?

11. You want to get married? Sure.


1. Nervous Habits: Smoking? NONO, being shy and quiet. I'm like that when nervous!

2. Are you double jointed? Not really

3. Can you roll your tongue? Nope

4. Can you raise one eyebrow? Yes.

5. Can you cross your eyes? Who can't?

6. Do you make your bed daily? What is this thing you speak of?

8. Which shoe goes on first? Right...or the one nearest.

9. Ever thrown one at someone? I think so, but they stole my hat!

10. On the average, how much money do you carry on you? $5?

11. What jewelry do you wear everyday? None. Used to have a LOTR ring, and Squall's(FF8) necklace but I got too lazy to put them on.


1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl. But I stick to Elbow or Shells

2. Have you ever eaten Spam? Sadly, no. T_T

3. Favorite ice cream: Phish Food.

4. How many kinds cereal are in your cabinet? 1

5. What's your favorite beverage? Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

7. Do you cook? If I have ingredients. In residence, it's rather hard to do.

No idea, but looks cool
My Valentinr - edwardgemini

Part 2
Albeit I don't post as often as I would like, I do like LJ. I also have come to enjoy the posting partly friends only, partly not. I know no one really reads this ANYWAYS except those on my friends page, but those few who do stumble upon this, can see what I am up to both through what I am saying. [...and through what I am not...] Makes an entry more of a poem, when what I do not talk about is just as important to the drivel I ramble with.

When I think about it, what I don't say is more important. When I make no sense to anyone. When I am making reference only I understand to things I withhold.

My blog is floundering. Why? Well. I don't care. Yep. I liked the blog, it had nice a nice set up, simple and pretty. But. It became a Livejournal without the community. It was...a public diary. And I had nothing I could say. Besides. A blog is not Livejournal by another name [...would smell as sweet...] but rather where you put things of interest for public consumption. It's a showcase. A popularity contest. [A lot like how some people see networking]

Brings around the question. Again. What is the purpose to this site?
Unless you are a close friend, why would you care who I am dating? What I am doing? What I am thinking?
And if you ARE a close friend, you would know already.
I suppose. Social Networking.


But. Why social network? I have friends. Not that i wouldn't like more, but...why would I go out of my way to find more. I'm loyal. To a fault. [...yep...] I don't know. It seems shallow to me to go find new friends online. Like I am bored with the friends I have so am looking for [shiny] new ones? Like the internet, LJ is a popularity contest. [losing thought....gone]

Maybe I am jealous. Maybe I would like to post my thoughts on something and have 50 comments on it from people I know. Maybe it is because I lack the...popularity?...I am cynical of this system.

Am I the only one? Doesn't anyone think it weird to spout out stuff for people to read, when if they knew you well enough to be hearing your rants, they would do so in person? Perhaps that is my problem. I don't write for others to read[and yet I always do], I write to figure out my own things.

And I do enjoy that. I think myself in circles [right round baby, right round], every time spinning a bit closer to the heart of the matter, figuring out a little more myself. Only through writing can I discover what I am actually thinking.[...for godsake!] Cyclical cynical contemplation.
Perhaps this is what my stepdad meant when he said over analyzing everything. Not necessarily looking it over too much, but returning to things and reviewing them over and over.

[...hell spawn...the unreliable narrator...]
Then again, perhaps I have picked up the inability to focus, so I jump [tangent] and so write so I can come return to a point two paragraphs back and show how it connects. [Interconnectivity] Is there such a thing, that runs from one idea to another? A single thread that brings my scatterings together?

Suppose thoughts born out of emotion. Disdain for those who actually live by that I mock. [Lies!] Jealousy? I once was jealous of those popular online people. The ones that people are always excited to see in chat rooms, or joyed by comments from. The person that just seemed cool. [Jealous?] No. I tried to be that person. I wasn't cut out for it. I couldn't live the lie it required me to be. i was always too me, not enough...facade. I couldn't hide behind my text to say what people wanted me to say in order to be accepted. I never settled [only once] I decided to become observer rather than leader[?]. Not because I didn't want to lead, but because I couldn't be fake enough in order to be liked by everyone. [New moral to this story?]

Perhaps I am too tired to keep a thought when I end up writing here.

We all repress somethings. I wish I could remember how I explained that. Wish I cared enough to prove my point.

I've been reduced to snippets of thoughts now. Not even thinking in full sentences. Perhaps a good time to end this [theme].

To be continued...

You know what I remembered today?
When i had no idea what livejournal was. Wasn't it like, invite only, back then? I remember not knowing what it was or why someone would join it, and I remember not knowing if I should go with livejournal or deadjournal, since I knew people on both. And I remember thinking how stupid it was, I mean, I saw all these people everyday, and I had nothing new to say that I could actually say back then.
And now look at it. It feels commonplace, natural, everyday. Kinda nice to see it with my old eyes and with my new, see how the assumption are wrong and how it's community is formed.

Things are bad. Below that even. But. When things are at their worst, people are at their best.

Note to self:
Do NOT post angry comments while drunk. Especially when there is already enough drama. And don't be two hours late for going to work again...

(no subject)
Since I have put nothing new up. It's a giant meme. yay!
Read more...Collapse )

Yes folks, the time has come for me to make this a friends only journal. Nothing personal, it just had to happen.

I suppose some time should be taken now to explain who I am now, since those who most likely will see this will be, in fact, unaware of who I am:

My name is Scott...which looks kind of weird when I write it online...Personally, since I can remember I've gone as Kenji online...Heck, I've even gone so far, and probably will again, as to sign entries with Kenji or Ken. Its more my name then my real name is.
Anyways, I suppose you're asking, 'Why Kenji?"
Well my friend, I'll tell you:
I'm not really sure. It’s started out as a dream...well I had a dream and that dream became a story. This story became a book and then three books...well...once I write them they will be...Anyways, the point being: I had picked the name Kenji for the protagonist in this book. He was a normal guy, who, because of his love for a Goddess, becomes a God...
Time to explain that one as well...The story takes a rather different approach to religion...rather, it doesn’t really touch it...In my book, heaven was a plane of existence above the mortal one, and in it, mortals lived another life, unaware they were in what those on the mortal plane considered heaven. On another plane slightly separated from "heaven" lived the Gods, who had separated themselves from mortals in the belief that they were superior. However, this form of species-ism, made them look down on mortals and so made sure that they would live in heaven in the most primitive state, sending a god to train others to destroy heaven's technological existence one they progressed too far...So in this story gods are not powerful ultra-beings, but just powerful beings that believed themselves superior because they were not primitive and violent mortals...
Kenji was a mortal, who was called to heaven to stop rebels against the gods, and instead fell in love with a goddess, and became a god, in order to be with her. However, he incites animosity from most the god community because of his mortal blood, as well as his love for the goddess...

Now: This novel is my piece de resistance or at least will be once I write it all...and somewhere along the line, Kenji came to represent all that I wanted to be, a sort of self-made hero, and so I started to use his name to represent me online...partly because I wanted a heroic alias, and because I started to become attached to the name...After a while, it just stuck...Now, I’m not saying I'm god-like, or even anything LIKE Kenji, but I have had the name since...

Besides, since the character is a mortal-turned-god it kind of gives me a nice air of mystery...or makes me sound Japanese...

But I do have a nice flair for the dramatic...or would like to think so...I may seem melodramatic but I think that’s just because it makes life more fun if you are the hero of the story of your life...

Anyways, I should wrap this I said before this is now friends only, but strangers are often friends you don’t know yet, so just comment and Ill add you...


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